There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else