Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Holy moly
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Just say no
Home #decor warning.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I want to meet the individual who made this
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: