There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?