honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
fixed it
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month