person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Bro what is this
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/