there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Mhm.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.