there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome