there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
There are usually two types of merchants.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Pretty much. 🤣
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I bet