There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.