There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
me adding lol on a serious message
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*