@Lakelandr: There's never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
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@reesespiece_: Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is "married."nLike that's gonna stop me!
@AbbyHasIssues: An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I'm hoping he meant while she was alive.
@lawblob: Waldo books are cute until u learn he owes $100,000 in unpaid child support & is wanted for arson
@onedavedeep: Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl's girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: "My dad wears shirts like that"