There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?