Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious