There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
bad
worse
worst
worchester
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze