@tchrquotes: There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
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@SirEviscerate: *shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds* *hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*
@kimtopher22: I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say "I don't know, do you THINK I look fat?"
@er0tikka: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
@RealCarrotFacts: You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won't know what you are doing because he's a carrot