There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You Might Also Like
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.