there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.