@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently? ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

@daemonic3: "Update your Adobe or you'll be sleeping with the fishes" - Flash mob

@frankpallotta: A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ's property. It's 1994.

@dshack8: Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we're in love! 10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I'm gonna set him on fire.

@simoncholland: If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.