There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
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Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
every single time
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.