Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Whisper out to librarians!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”