There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]