@shkeeber: There's no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
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@shawnspree: Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@chris_witha_see: Mom, your tweets are mostly outdated pop culture references "yeah and I woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids"
@Shock_Monster: How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson. 2. Empty it the next day. 3. Become a millionaire.
@david8hughes: I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.