Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
ok like just. call me at this point
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.