There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.