There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?