@Humor_Fetish: There's no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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@MelvinofYork: My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo? Me: Never Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake. Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
@ohthatbadger: Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
@TitansHomer: How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*