There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Buying a well is money well spent.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?