@Humor_Fetish: There's no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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@RuffaloShuffle: *Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"
@mikeleffingwell: It's weird how after they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together the King's men were like "Let's give the horses a shot at it"
@iLikeCatShirts: Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?