Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?