There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
This line from Airplane.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space