There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
who named him groot and not spruce lee
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me buying fruit and veg
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.