There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you