@SardonicTart: There's no "I" in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.
@Spaziotwat: [First date] Him:"Waiter!" Waiter:"Sir?" Him:"Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen"
@OneTrickTofani: WATSON: do you even have a proper education? SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson WATSON: but, like, beyond that SHERLOCK: nah