There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer