“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Well, that should do it
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
one of
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind