There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.