Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
drew a comic about my origin story
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.