I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You Might Also Like
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
he chose this
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Taking phone security to the next level.