HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.