roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
What is going on? 😅
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Pikachu found the lost joint