I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL