There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You Might Also Like
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
my sentiments exactly
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well