*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
They’re not wrong