Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Huge, if true.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?