There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*