@badbanana: There's no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I'll just go for it.
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@BrownBoxers: No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed. -every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
@krissywillbretz: [ER] Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC? Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants* Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
@AndyAsAdjective: [kidnapped & trapped in trunk] *hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code* "I…am…a…vegan"
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: *checking into maternity ward* Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep? Nurse: Ma'am, this child is seven.