There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
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We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.