There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You Might Also Like
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.