There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”