There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
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Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.