@John_Quaintance: There's no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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@13spencer: I'd like to think that my exes see me as "the one who got away," but it's probably more like "the one who got away from the police."
@JediGigi: Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here. Coworker: What? Me: You just summoned me. I heard you. Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios. Me: Yes.
@jumpdashark: My tombstone will read: If You Don't Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.