There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶