There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job