There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’