@mzeld: There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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@karencheee: Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.
@DirtMcTurd: If my girl didn't want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn't have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
@michaelianblack: The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.