There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Best mom ever 😂
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so