There’s no “u” in narcissist
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.