My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
You Might Also Like
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
incredible text to wake up to
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.